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Family Violence, Abuse
Aggressive behavior between family members can be seen in many different ways.
There are many different types of abuse: physical, psychological, emotional, verbal, and sexual abuse. Often more than one type of abuse can be seen in families. Neglect (when parents do not provide basic needs for their children) is also another type of abuse.
Family violence can affect any one, regardless of religion, ethnicity or socio-economic status. It happens in wealthy families and poor families, in single parent families (where only one of the parents is present) or in families with both parents. Sometimes the father or the mother mistreats their partner. Discipline becomes abuse when parents become physically and verbally cruel to their children. Both boys and girls are can be victims of abuse by their parents or guardians.
Physical Abuse is the easiest type of abuse to detect. This type of abuse includes: any type of beating, shaking, burning, pinching, biting, suffocation, throwing, spanking, or any other action that causes physical injury or strong physical pain.
Sexual abuse includes any type of sexual contact between an adult and a minor; or between two minors when one of the two minors does not consent. When sexual abuse happens between two family members it is called incest.
Psychological abuse can be hard to detect because it does not leave physical marks. This occurs when people scream at and insult each other. Expressing anger is healthy, but must be done in a respectful way. Psychological abuse happens when a parent or guardian insults, threatens, and humiliates a child constantly until his or her self-esteem is affected negatively. Just as physical abuse leaves physical marks, psychological abuse leaves behind emotional scars.
Negligence is probably the most difficult type of abuse to detect. Negligence occurs when a child is not provided with basic needs such as food, shelter, clothing, medical attention, or supervision. Emotional neglect occurs when a parent deliberately and consistently does not give a child the emotional support he/she needs. It is not considered negligence when a parent does not give a child everything that he wants (such as new toys).
Abuse is not only found inside the family. Bullying behaviors are also a form of abuse and violence that can happen in other social groups.
Bullying, threatening, stalking, or humiliating someone can be considered types of abuse and violence. People that behave like this were probably victims of abuse as well. Abuse can also be seen between two people in a committed relationship. Being a victim of abuse is never a justification for abusing others.
Abuse can also be motivated by prejudices when they are directed towards certain people because of their race, religion, skills, gender or sexual orientation.
Recognizing abuse
As strange as it may seem, people have a hard time recognizing when they are victims of abuse. They grow to accept the situation as being normal and believe they can not do anything about it. Abused people mistakenly think that they are the ones provoking the abuse because of their bad behavior, or because they are not fulfilling the expectations of the abuser.
A person that has been raised in a violent or abusive family does not realize that there are better ways for family members to treat one another. A person that only knows this type of behavior believes that beating, pushing, or insulting is a perfectly normal way to treat others.
It is important that people who live in a violent environment know that this is not a healthy, normal, or acceptable way of treating people.
Why it happens?
There is no single reason for abuse. There are several factors that increase the chances that a person will become an abuser. For example, being raised in an abusive family teaches the person that abuse is normal.
Some people can become abusive because they do not know how to control their anger or deal with stressful situations (like loosing a job, or marital problems).
Some personality disorders and mental diseases can also interfere with the ability to relate with others in a healthy way. It is important to remember that not everyone who has a personality disorder or mental disease is an abuser.
Substance abuse, such as alcoholism or drug abuse, can also play a role in abuse because is interferes with one’s ability to maintain self-control.
What are the effects of abuse?
When a person is a victim of abuse or violence, the repercussions can be seen in every aspect of their life; but especially with their self-esteem.
How much the abuse will affect a person will depend on their unique circumstances, frequency and length of the abuse, the victim’s age, and many other factors.
All families have arguments. In fact, it would be weird if a family never had difficult moments, disagreements, or misunderstandings. Most families use punishment and discipline (such as taking away privileges). But, when the punishment causes physical or psychological damage, it becomes a problem. This is called abuse.
Teenage victims of abuse have problems with sleeping and concentration. Their academic performance can be negatively affected because they are angry and scared, or because they cannot concentrate.
Many victims of abuse have trouble trusting others. Some feel angry with themselves and others, and have a hard time making friends. Some teenage victims of abuse become depressed, while others get involved in self destructive behaviors, such as cutting or substance abuse. They can even consider suicide.
It is normal for people to feel hurt, worried, and confused when they are abused by someone they love. They can feel guilty or ashamed about what happened, especially if sexual abuse has occurred. It is very important to remember that the victim of abuse is never the one to be blamed for the actions of another, no matter how much the abuser tries to blame the victim.
Abusers usually try to manipulate the victims to make them believe they are responsible for the abuse and as well as keep the abuse a secret. Abusers will say things like: “This is a secret between you and me”, “If you tell someone, I will hurt you”, “I will do it to your mother”, or “If you try to tell someone, you will have problems. Nobody will believe you and you will go to jail because of your lies”. These are ways the abuser makes the victim believe there is nothing she/he can do. The abuser tries to convince the victim that it will be useless to tell anyone because no one will help them.
Victims of abuse have a hard time getting help. The problem is they typically are being abused by a loved one and are too afraid to report them. This makes reporting abuse and getting help very difficult for the victim.
What should a victim of abuse do?
Victims of abuse need help. Keeping the abuse a secret does not protect them from future abusers. By keeping it a secret they increase their chances of being victimized again.
If you or someone you know suffers from abuse, talk with someone you trust (a family member, a friend, a teacher, a doctor, an adult that works with children, in your school, or church). For example, there are many teachers and school psychologists who have been trained in recognizing signs of abuse and how to advise victims on getting help.
In our section of “Community Resources” you can find telephone numbers of institutions that can help victims of abuse. You can call them in search of help. Are you speaking of the Community Resources on the website or in the victim’s community?
Sometimes those who suffer from abuse in their own family have to look for a secure place to live temporarily. Having to leave your home is never easy, but sometimes it is necessary to prevent future abuse. People that need to leave their homes to be safe can find shelters and homes in their community. Sometimes they can stay with other family members or friends.
Asking for help and support is the first step toward changing the situation. Many teenage victims experience painful emotions that persist over time, even when the abuse has stopped. Working with a counselor is a way to deal with and confront the complex emotions of abuse. Counseling will help the healing process to begin and allow the victim of abuse to gain back their lost confidence, trust, and self-esteem.
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